July 24, 2014

Terminally Ill: The Inevitable Death of Modern English

Of all the weapons known to man, language is the most powerful. A silver tongue can lead nations to war and undress someone else’s wife. From grunts and groans to grand poetic epics and holy books, it’s always served as a fundamental building block of civilization. When considering the many languages that have flourished, English remains the uncontested victor in ...

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All-American Oligarchy: The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Raping the Constitution

Welcome to America, where corporations are people and the homeless are considered road kill. Whether you’re an aspiring tyrant or simply a greedy douche, you’ll find this to be a land of ample opportunity. Still, in order to fully enjoy the fruits of exerting your will over the peasantry, it’s important for any self-respecting oligarch to understand the mechanisms behind ...

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A Question of Superiority: Does Uncle Sam Have the Biggest Dick?

As Putin pounds his chest and indulges in delusions of grandeur, the world finds itself in an all too familiar predicament. A major power acts according to its best interest, and the global community huffs and puffs, threatening everything but violence. However, despite all the hot air blowing from the West, deep down everyone knows it’s all a show. Pragmatism, ...

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American Anger: The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Cultural Warfare

Humans are an abundant, easily replaced natural resource. An ever-growing collective, eagerly waiting to be coddled, angered and frightened into submission. Politics, in essence, is the art of capitalizing on these emotional instincts. Appealing to the best and worst elements of human nature, cultivating a base of useful idiots, and then skillfully leveraging that primal energy to eradicate anyone who ...

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Dear Obama: Sincerely, a Concerned Millennial

Every few decades, a political figure emerges that is capable of transcending Washington’s elitist, bureaucratic bullshit. Individuals with such conviction, such strength of character that they are willing to sacrifice their careers, even their own lives for the greater good of the nation. Unfortunately, Obama isn’t one of these politicians. Considering he was the first person I ever voted for, ...

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