All-American Oligarchy: The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Raping the Constitution

Welcome to America, where corporations are people and the homeless are considered road kill. Whether you’re an aspiring tyrant or simply a greedy douche, you’ll find this to be a land of ample opportunity. Still, in order to fully enjoy the fruits of exerting your will over the peasantry, it’s important for any self-respecting oligarch to understand the mechanisms behind true power.

Currently, history is witnessing the culmination of divine ambition, the perfectly executed enslavement of the impoverished and mundane. Tragically, it wasn’t always this way. Once upon a time, a grand vision of equality and personal liberty pumped through the heart of this great empire. Thankfully, the masses proved far too ignorant to ever bring that ideal into fruition. To assist you in your ruling endeavors, here’s a guide to raping the constitution.

Operation Lardass: Ruling Through the Gut

One undeniable fact rings true all throughout history: a starving populace is impossible to rule. Both the French and Russian revolutions were triggered by a lack of sustenance, and this is for good reason. Hunger has a funny way of reminding a people of their true animal nature, reverting the brain to a primal desperation, typically leading to extremely bloody results. Thanks to the advent of processed food, there is no longer any reason to be concerned over this nightmarish scenario. Truth be told, even America’s homeless have pot bellies and man tits.

It looks edible, smells edible, and without a doubt, is the equivalent of taste bud crack-cocaine. Providing peasants with all the fat and none of the nutrition, processed food is here to save the day. While you enjoy feasting on sirloin steak and caviar, you can take comfort in knowing that the 99% are kept satiated by an endless supply of intestines, bone-sinew, and enough flavoring chemicals to make even fecal matter tasty. Best of all? Feeding them this garbage generates over $188 billion annually.

Media Monopoly

Now that your subjects are fat, the top priority must be to ensure they are happy. Or, at the very least, pre-occupied with basic survival, pointless in-fighting and mind numbing entertainment. Of course, the inherent consumer culture of the West, coupled with the willingness of the media to spread their legs when the cash is right, makes the entire process of morale management almost too easy. Ultimately, you must create the illusion of wealth being easily attainable through hard work and dedication. When opportunity continues to shrink, the only way to accomplish this is by cleverly manipulating the press.

In 1983, 50 companies controlled the United States’ mass media. After a few decades of mergers and tactical takeovers, six corporations now curate the content diet of over 277 million Americans. Not surprisingly, media moguls tend to be sympathetic to the plight of ascending corporate overlords. That said, it doesn’t take a conspiracy to keep the masses ignorant. Honestly, most of them are perfectly content indulging in celebrity gossip. After all, who gives a shit about corruption when Beyonce’s sister is bitch slapping Jay Z?

The Emergence of New Media

The emergence of “new media” is one of the most substantial threats to the American way of life. The Internet cannot be owned or controlled, and for the longest time, this has proven disastrous for those with lofty aristocratic ambitions. Rendering borders obsolete and allowing the free-flowing exchange of knowledge, ideas and culture, even decades old, iron-fisted regimes are left suffocating in their own filth. While our good friends at the NSA have done an excellent job of perverting this medium to incriminate the majority of citizens, the responsibility of neutering it rests on the shoulders of upstanding billionaires.

The Internet is oblivious to class and social standing, dispensing information and entertainment indiscriminately to both rich and poor. In light of this, you must rely on cunning and legalese to put pissants in their place. The first step in this process is to severely limit consumer choice. You must do everything in your power to crush the competition, merging with those who cannot be bankrupted outright. Comcast’s proposed acquisition of Time Warner Cable is a great example of this ingenious strategy.

Obviously, the natural equality of the Internet needs to be swiftly addressed. Indeed, why should a Fortune 500 company be forced to use the same web as a homeless man in a public library? It’s your right as a corporate guru to price gouge anyone you please, and for this reason, Net Neutrality must be stopped at all costs. Put into place over a decade ago by the FCC, it continues to be a thorn in the side of “innovation.”

Thankfully, after successfully populating key levels of government with sympathetic ears and pouring millions into lobbying, the new rules proposed by the FCC guarantee cold-blooded Machiavellian capitalism will reign supreme over the Internet. Fuck you, Reddit.

Middle Class Illusion

You’ve likely laughed your ass off at them. You know, imbeciles that proudly show off overpriced toys, all of which are close to being repossessed. Aside from being great for bankers, this also acts as a glue that holds society together. Rampant corruption and blatant inequality are no secret. It’s just that people stop giving a shit once they acquire a little taste of money and power. For this reason, you must appeal to hubris, allowing a fraction of the population to feel superior to their laid off neighbors.

First, you must understand that there is no “middle class.” There are rich assholes, peasants that go into debt pretending to be rich assholes, and bums. Be that as it may, the middle class illusion keeps the heads of corporate tyrants from being severed. While material gain granted to serfs is largely miniscule, it keeps them salivating at the thought of out consuming their less productive peers, ensuring they dedicate themselves completely to menial labor.

Tag Teaming Liberty

Although anyone who aspires to be a temporary monarch isn’t to be trusted, politicians are the last line of defense between you and angry, Molotov cocktail wielding mobs. Eventually, citizens with a hint of intelligence become aware of the true nature of the world. Most passively come to accept their status, finding solace in religion and ugly spouses/children. These are good Americans. The kind lip service must be paid to. Nonetheless, socializing with these genetic monstrosities is a soul extinguishing exercise in poor hygiene and outdated fashion. This makes it necessary to transform politics into a spectator sport.

Politicians and professional athletes have a lot in common. Both are molded at a young age, groomed to perform tricks for our entertainment. We offer them a taste of the good life, and in turn, they dedicate their existence to furthering the agenda of the wealthy. Sure, they get all the glory and adulation, but they are so easily replaced that it proves meaningless. True power resides in the shadows, and so long as citizens are conned by the two party system, democracy will remain nothing more than a cruel joke. The kind you whisper to a gold digging whore, inducing laughter as she surrenders those precious last shreds of dignity. That, my friend, is the American Dream.


Personal Note: I launched this site roughly a year ago. Over that time, I’ve met countless individuals that have become both clients and friends. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing my pieces, leaving your thoughts, and most importantly, tolerating my eccentricities. I can be a bit much to handle, but my heart is usually in the right place. As depressing as socio-economic realities may be, the video below always seems to lift my spirits. Maybe you’ll find it refreshing, as well.


About the author  ⁄ Aiden Wolfe

When I first launched this site several years ago, I was just a child. Well, more specifically, barely in my twenties. Its sole goal was to attract clients for freelance writing. In this regard, it delivered me into the steady employment I currently find myself. That said, my political passions have now consumed me. From here on out, this site is devoted exclusively to fighting right wing nutjobs. I put all of myself into the content I produce here, so I sincerely hope you find it enjoyable.

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