The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Internet Fandoms: Being Worshipped by the Worthless

So, you want to become a god. You want to rise above the herd, embodying the hopes and dreams of the desperate masses. Whether Roman gladiators, industrial age dictators, British pop singers or the latest viral YouTube sensation, mediocre pissants have flocked to charismatic individuals since time immemorial. Undoubtedly, the information age has accelerated the growth of these cults of personality. Resembling cancerous tumors, they taint everything in their path, polluting all corners of the web with foul, demented obsessions. To help you tap into this diabolical force, here is a guide to achieving online divinity.

Cultivating Parasites

Imagine this, if you will. One day, Justin Bieber and One Direction fandom members will grow up and channel their mindless devotion into politics. After all, political parties are nothing more than fandoms with the power to enforce their will on the collective. Indeed, a tendency to needlessly glorify select individuals seems to be hard-wired into human DNA. As social mammals, we have an innate desire to fit in, looking towards others to validate our existence. Considering the survival of humanity is largely dependent on the ability to function within a group, this instinctual desire makes perfect sense.

While it’s easy to assume that fandoms consist solely of social outcasts, individuals from all walks of life are afflicted by this sickness. Granted instant, unlimited access to their desires, personal identity begins to rapidly break down and the hive mind soon manifests. Instead of working towards accomplishing something meaningful in their own right, the infected are enlisted in an army of leeches, desperately feeding off the celebrity of others. In light of this, it’s vital that you radiate an aura of unconditional inclusion, making your followers feel as if they are genuinely sharing your success.

Know Thy Demographic

Deep down, people really aren’t that different. We all desire the same things. Security, sustenance, a sense of belonging, someone to fornicate with. If done correctly, your fandom will cater to as many of these needs as possible. Remember, online popularity isn’t rocket science. You merely have to be attractive, funny, smart or rich. Once you identify which of these characteristics you possess, it’ll be easier to figure out who will be the most susceptible to your brainwashing attempts. For example, someone absolutely hideous won’t have a tremendous amount of appeal to teenage girls. Yet, despite being genetically cursed, all hope is not lost. Truth be told, it merely presents a golden opportunity.

Above is a fantastic case study. Boogie is a bonafide YouTube star, pulling in millions of views and well over a million subscribers. Despite being morbidly obese, his eloquent communication skills and raw comedic value have earned him a loyal following amongst cave dwellers and video game fanatics. So successful at developing his legion of loyal subscribers, he even managed to lure a female fandom member into becoming his wife. This brilliantly demonstrates that there is a niche for anyone willing to humiliate themselves and tolerate vicious insults from random assholes.

Hashtag Clubs and Makeshift Families

At the heart of any fandom, you’ll find neglected, alienated children. Hailing from broken homes, facing the tremendous cruelty of peers, and undergoing a hailstorm of hormonal changes, this key demographic is on a never-ending quest for kinship. Hashtag clubs provide an excellent way for these individuals to find each other and exchange warm fuzzies. For this reason, it’s essential that you utilize social media to the fullest. Pornography entrepreneur, Hunter Moore, presents an example of this being done to perfection.

A high school drop out, Moore became infamous for founding revenge porn site IsAnyoneUp.com. The purpose of the site, of course, was to post revealing photos of women without their consent. Scorned lovers by the thousands flocked to the site to take revenge on their ex. Far surpassing simply uploading embarrassing content to the web, Hunter Moore made it his business model to ruin these people’s lives completely (posting addresses, contact information, where they work, etc.) In many cases, this resulted in irreversible damage to their careers and families.

Modeling himself after Charles Manson, he was soon viewed as a god by pubescent sub-humans all over the Internet, all of which identify themselves by #TheFamily. Glorifying drugs and promiscuity, teenage Twitter users were attracted to this fandom like flies on fecal matter. Dubbed “the most hated man on the Internet”, his horde of minions eventually landed him an interview with Rolling Stone. Thankfully, his glory would be short lived.  Eventually, the site was purchased and shut down by anti-bullying advocates. Afterwards, a pissed off mother, who also happened to be an attorney, successfully seen to it that Hunter Moore was indicted by the FBI. Despite the absence of this charismatic man-child, #TheFamily still thrives on Twitter today.

Conclusion

The world has no shortage of followers. Frustrated with their own mediocrity, clinging to anyone that they can live through vicariously. With a healthy combination of charisma, sex, and social media, you too can be worshipped by the lowest common denominator. Just remember, most self-appointed messiahs end up being crucified. Please, handle your useful idiots responsibly.

About the author  ⁄ Aiden Wolfe

Raised by an English teacher and gifted with a silver tongue, I quickly learned the power of words at an early age. The English language is my weapon, and I wield it in a way that produces quality, original web content. I mainly ghostwrite due to my anti-social tendencies. In fact, I kind of despise humanity. However, I really love money. So just pay me and I’m sure we’ll get along fine. Contact: AidenWolfe6@gmail.com or call 888-978-2159

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